I have been wrestling for a while now with how to address something I am so very passionate about. My mental health and my college volleyball story.
I woke up in the middle of the night this past weekend and wrote in my notes “Dear College Coaches, Do Better.” I’m not sure what prompted it, but I just wrote it down and went back to bed.
I am eight months post volleyball now. But there is something that just hasn’t allowed me to find my closure. And I realized it was because I have yet to write about it in a way that can help someone else. I have written out the details of my experience, but all that really does for me is remind me of the pain and how badly my heart broke after I left my school in Florida.
My college volleyball story, unfortunately, is not unique. I am not the only girl who has had an emotionally abusive coach, a coach who neglects physical and mental well-being, a coach who knows nothing about player development, and does nothing to applaud or inspire. I wish I was the only person to experience such carelessness within college athletics, but that is just not the narrative.
The raw truth of college athletics is that it is RARE to find a program where you are genuinely cared for as a person, student, and athlete. It is RARE to find a coach who wants to do right by their players AND programs. It is rare.
The volleyball gym used to be my safe place. The space where I could escape, have fun, get better, be with my friends. The love I had for volleyball is what led me to want to play in college.
And I left my program never wanting to see a volleyball again. I was so broken, bitter, depressed, and lost after my coach, who was supposed to be a mentor and encourager, cleaned out my locker and gave my jersey up before I could even talk to my teammates. I was off the roster within a day. The paperwork was on his desk when I came in for my monthly meeting. And when I said, “I can’t do this anymore-” He said, “I figured.”
There is a quote that I have loved for a while now. “You’ll either be a voice that someone has to overcome, or you’ll be a voice that helps someone overcome. Each moment you choose.”
How powerful is that?
Words have power. They have power to uplift. They have power to tear down. And we choose every moment, with every word, who we are in someone else’s story.
My coach was a voice I had to overcome. A voice that hindered me for so long. But the message I want to send to every athlete out there is that you are not defined by what your coach says of you. You have a voice. You are not stuck. And you can choose what’s best for you.
I chose my mental health over proving that I was stronger than the bully in my life. Because at the end of the day, proving something to someone who is just waiting to see me “fail” does what good?
That was the hardest decision I have ever made. That meant walking away from 13 years of dedication and hard work. That meant losing my first semester of my junior year. That meant starting over. Again.
I left my old school a shell of the person I came in as. And when I left, my coach who claimed to care about me, never checked in to see if I had made it back to Texas safely, or if I had gotten into Baylor.
And by the careless actions of my old coach, I suffered both mentally and physically. Mentally, I was battling both clinical and situational depression. And physically, my body went into what’s called fight or flight mode. My body didn’t know what was happening. I lost 20lbs in less than 2 months. Which then freaked my body out even more.
I chose to leave. And if I had to do it over again, I would choose the same thing, as hard as the past eight months have been.
Because mental health matters.
It matters more than the starting position.
More than the statistic.
More than the scholarship.
It matters more than the grade.
More than the degree.
It matters more than the status.
Mental health is critical for our ability to properly love and pour into others. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You just can’t.
I’m sorry if your cup is empty. I am sorry if your sport has hurt you. And I am so sorry if the words a coach, trainer, or mentor, spoke to you were words you had to overcome.
My heart has been heavy lately. May is mental health awareness month, I just can’t help but think about all the athletes who have experienced similar situations. Athletes who lost the passion for the game. Athletes who put on a strong face when the truth is, they are broken and hurt.
But I want you to know you can choose your mental well-being, your college experience. You can choose you. You can walk away. Or you can stay and continue to fight. My point. You have a choice, and you are in control of that. No one else.
My jersey number, the one my coach so easily handed to another player, was number 8. But I am not just a number. I am a voice for change.
You, too, have a voice. And I want to encourage you to use it. Use it to uplift, create change, inspire good, build others up.
And to you, college coaches,
Do better.
Mental Health Matters.
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